Funny Freak - Funny Stuff

After a long night of making love, Danny rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked Sheila if she had one at hand.

“There might be some matches in the top drawer,” she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry. “Is this your husband?” he inquired nervously.

“No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him.

“Your boyfriend then?” he asked. “No, not at all,” she said, nibbling away at his ear.

“Well, who is he then?” demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, Sheila replied, “That’s me before the operation.”

Lilly Tomlin:
If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “Especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”

Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?” “Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was,’Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’

I’m like…Helloooooo? It’s only 25 cents!!!!

Patrick Moore:
At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I’m not there I carry on as usual.

There was an old man sitting on his porch watching the rain fall. Pretty soon the water was coming over the porch and into the house.

The old man was still sitting there when a rescue boat came and the people on board said, “You can’t stay here you have to come with us.”

The old man replied, “No, God will save me.” So the boat left.

A little while later the water was up to the second floor, and another rescue boat came, and again told the old man he had to come with them.

The old man again replied, “God will save me.” So the boat left him again.

An hour later the water was up to the roof and a third rescue boat approached the old man, and tried to get him to come with them.

Again the old man refused to leave stating that, “God will save him.” So the boat left him again.

Soon after, the man drowns and goes to heaven, and when he sees God he asks him, “Why didn’t you save me?”

God replied, “You idiot, I tried. I sent three boats after you!!”

Rita May Brown:
Computer dating is fine, if you’re a computer.